Find your own litmus test

My late mother sewed, knitted and crocheted and other female relatives crocheted, quilted or something similar. I tried all those things and nothing clicked.

I also don't actually like cooking. I did plenty of cooking when I was a homemaker because it was necessary but I have relatives who LOVE(D) to cook and that's not me.

In spite of my unidentified genetic disorder, I was the most athletic of the three kids at home. I climbed trees from an early age and played stickball in the street with the neighbor kids (mostly boys) and took gymnastics briefly.

I lifted weights and did push ups and had some serious biceps in my teens. I did that because gymnastics is challenging and it's necessary to have MORE strength than you need to do it safely and get through a full routine without falling and hurting yourself.

I was 5 foot 9 inches tall in my youth. I'm a bit shorter these days, though I haven't measured myself in years so I don't currently know my exact height.

I was also the pretty sister but had no desire to invest my identity in being "beautiful" as my definition of being womanly. I had a lot of reasons why I think that's problematic.

You get older and people think you are less pretty merely due to age.

Lots of women starve themselves or get cosmetic surgery to try to look a certain way.

And I was molested and raped and told it was my fault for being too beautiful to resist. 

I cut my long hair off at age fourteen and the asshole who raped me didn't speak to me for three days. I've never had hair past my shoulders again and I'm now sixty.

Ironically, I look good for my age because I put my health first and refused to play this game. Though I don't wear makeup and can no longer take a selfie I actually like, I like what I see in the mirror and I like myself more than I ever have before.

I ultimately decided that for me personally, being a good mom was my litmus test for being "good enough" as a woman.

That's not intended to hurt trans people. That became my north star in life once I had kids and if my kids think I'm doing right by them, everyone else can go to hell with their opinions about how I dress and whatever they think I'm failing at "as a woman."

I agree that gender is a social construct and I believe that heteronormative culture does enormous harm to people regardless of gender.

I suspect a lot of screwed up men in power are probably closeted gay men or closeted trans women or married to a woman only after their money who doesn't really care about them or otherwise have been maimed by heteronormative culture.

I think being trans is a MEDICAL issue and should be treated as such. 

If you enjoy dressing pretty or wearing makeup or whatever, you do you. I don't wear makeup and I keep my hair short for my own MEDICAL reasons and please don't feel I'm trying to dictate anything to anyone else.

I spent a lot of years wrestling with questions like "Am I not really a woman if I don't like cooking and sewing etc?" It left-handedly got me interested in reading about trans stuff to sort my own baggage.

I found my metric that makes me happy with myself and it's about ethics, not looks or clothes or what people who don't know me well think about me.

And I hope this helps others do something similar.